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Prepare for Sobriety
Like any really
important event, you must think out a plan for sobriety. There are many decision
and questions you need to answer, or at least think about, before you attempt
sobriety. First of all, there must be an awareness of a problem.
You
need to identify all addictions. There are many: food, booze, tobacco, sex,
pornography, family violence, pedophilia, prescription drugs, illegal drugs,
home shopping, shoplifting, chronic lying, etc.
Secondly, there may be others who will benefit
from your sobriety, namely, your spouse or significant other, your children, your friends, extended community
members, coworkers and children you have abandoned. So your sobriety is not just your journey alone;
others will be impacted too. Pre-plan their reaction in advance so you
know how to respond to them, especially is they are users or addicts.
Drinking buddies/drug users will disown you because they
can not be, and absolutely don't want to be, part of your new life. In
the beginning of sobriety you will be emotionally raw, without the numbing
effect of addictive substances or behaviors. They won't care because,
after all, all
addicts are selfish!
Get down to the underlying reasons for
addiction: chances are you have some idea of the secrets you are
keeping.
Plan a day in the woods or a weekend of camping.
Go to the beach or the mountains or in a special place you feel comfortable or
safe. Convert a room in your home or a small space in your garage.
Apartment dwellers can reserve a special place in their living room.
Make it feel safe.
Either use lots of overhead bright light or soft candle light. You may
prefer complete darkness. Base it on your personal choice as it is the
place you will seek healing.
Use flowers, or nature products such as wood,
rocks, crystals or stone.
Use significant religious symbols if you
prefer.
Surround yourself
music or complete silence.
If you like to write, build
a bonfire or start your barbeque or fireplace so you can physically burn your written
memories. If you plan to share the event with a trusted friend prepare them in
advance.
Clear your mind. Take a deep breath. Ask yourself,
"Is this my path today?"
Ease your fears. Slow your breathing.
Take another deep breath. You will know in your heart if today is the day you
are ready to face your greatest fears.
You will relive the pain you
have suppressed for many years. There is no way to avoid this experience.
The pain you should have expressed years ago, must be be released as you seek to
relive the past to heal the future. I
Later, you will wonder why it took
you so long to see the truth! Right now however, you must slay old demons.
Take one more deep breath and let your memory open the
backpack. What thoughts surface? Be patient. If you feel up to dealing with the uncomfortable
subject do so. If not, try again at a later date.
You may need to practice letting those bad
memories surface since you may have spent decades suppressing them. It may
take you a few tries before they come forward. The thought or picture of a
perpetrator may help. Saying his or her name may release memories.
When the memory surfaces
Name it:
Give up the name of the person that harmed you. It
is now someone else’s secret to keep, not yours! Remove ownership
and responsibility for someone else’s crimes.
Verbally say out loud, to others or yourself, in two
words or as few as possible the secret you have been forced to keep. Once
spoken, it is no longer a secret and no longer has power over you. It wasn’t
your crime but a crime done to you. You were never responsible and should never
have been forced to keep your own abuse/trauma/torture a secret.
(Common revelations are rape, child abuse, child sexual
abuse, incest, brutalization, violentization, and many, many other forms of
emotional, psychological and physical abuse.) Remember too that all child
abuse is against the law. It is a crime. So if someone abused you,
they were wrong. (see
http://www.privatefamilymatter.com for more details.)
Next, remember the details. Go as far as you feel
comfortable in remembering. At first you might be too afraid to dig deep.
That is OK. Healing is a long process but it gets easier and goes faster
when you start feeling the results. The more you reveal, the closer
you are to healing:
Face it:
Tell someone the details of your abuse. Who did
this? If you don’t trust anyone just yet, write your experiences down in
as much detail as you are comfortable with then burn the pages. It is much
better to face this stressful encounter with someone who understands the pain
you are about to experience and who can assist you. But if you just can’t trust
anyone at this point then you can accomplish this alone. Take small steps and
retreat if the pain becomes unbearable.
Cry. Cry
buckets. Cry baby cry. Be sure to have lots of tissue nearby.
Crying is a normal reaction nature intended to cleanse your body of emotional
pain. Let all those emotions you suppressed come out. It is OK to cry and often.
Let it out. You may burst into tears driving a car or at any moment when
you are alone. It is sporadic and swift.
After crying and
crying and crying, you
may experience intense rage. It is the first human emotion you need to
recapture. Children that suffer abuse, brutality and torture are forced to
suppress their normal human emotions. And rage is a basic right you have to
express!
Get ready to unload
more buckets of tears as you nd
begin to express the hurt you should have expressed a long time ago.
Beat up a pillow if
you must. Rage and scream. Cuss! Let the rage OUT!
Rage
kept inside either turns inward into self-destruction or outward to harm others. Addiction is
self-destruction. Domestic violence is outward rage that harms others.
As you get better at summoning those darkly held secrets,
they will pop out when you least expect it. It might be an inopportune
time so you can stuff them back until later. Often it is best to pull over
to the side of the road if driving and jot down your thoughts. Or buy a tape
recorder and talk it out.
Depending on your
unique experience, this process may take a long, long time. It may include
more than one perpetrator and cover many, many years. There may be a wide range
from slights, or physical abuse, from neglect to torture. Mostly, addicts have
histories of child sexual abuse, brutality and/or torture, which includes a wide
rage of violence and evil.
Take your time.
Eat good. Sleep. Rest. Take care of yourself.
Heal it:
Share your secret.
Once told, secrets have no power over you. You will begin the healing
process immediately. It may be rapid or it may take a long time.
Open your heart to the adventure and begin the journey. You will be able
to let go of the past.
Enjoy:
Sobriety will be your friend and give you many precious gifts. First you
will notice how bright the earths colors are as you move from addictive driven
grays to the broad colors of nature!
Then you will realize that life is more fun when your body is not desperately
feeding an insatiable addiction.
The need to focus on supply is gone! You have time to learn, read, explore
where before you spent countless hours planning for and worried about you next
fix.
You will enjoy having more money to spend on what you really want, rather than
spending it to feed your addiction.
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